Sometimes…

Sometimes we forget who we really are when others tell you what they think you are. They’re wrong.

Sometimes we listen to others when we shouldn’t, especially ones who know they are trying to hurt you. Why? Because they’re the vulnerable ones.

Sometimes we try to understand why people do the things they do. Most of the time even they don’t realise what they’re doing is irrational. To them, it’s normal. But to you, it hurts.

Sometimes we automatically see fault in ourselves when someone mistreats us. Was it something I did? Did I do this? What if it’s something to do with me? No. It’s not you.

Sometimes people don’t understand you, because they haven’t been there themselves. They haven’t been mistreated. They haven’t been misunderstood.

Sometimes we try to fight a battle we know in our hearts we can’t win. But we try anyway.

Sometimes we get tired of the disappointment, and want to bail out.

But we don’t.

Sometimes, you forget how strong you are. You forget you have wings to fly, they are nobody else’s but yours. Look how many times you’ve picked yourself up. Look how many times you’ve walked away and never looked back.

Be proud of who you are, how far you’ve come, how far you’ve got to go.

🙂

Why did I turn to online dating? Again?

Oh God. I think it’s getting worse! More and more weirdos and follow the crowd type of guys are joining. And it’s obvious most want just one thing!

Messages I have to stop myself from sending:

1. Why WHY is your profile picture of krispie creme donuts? Seriously?

2. You do know your abs are not the only abs that look like that? In fact, I’ve seen several other guys on here with abs like yours. I have abs too. Abs are not a selling point. Thus, it’s stupid to put JUST your abs as your profile picture. Are you seriously that ugly?

3. Why are your eyebrows plucked?

4. In response to a profile that had that he wanted a non-crazy woman: all woman have some form of crazy woven into them. What I think you’re looking for is a man.

5. “You’re beautiful, I hope you have a personality to match” well if you’d actually put in the effort to scroll down and read my profile instead of just looking at my photos, you’d have realised I’m an absolute psycho.

6. “Hi”. Wow, interesting start. Not. Sort your life out.

7. About me section reads “just ask what I’m like”. Well, you seem lazy, not serious about finding a date, but clearly just want sex, so I’m thinking avoid.

8. Message: “who would you a. Snog, b. Kill, c. Marry. Your answers: me, Hitler, me. So, coffee?”. My response: Hitlers already dead. And so’s this conversation.

9. Headline reads: rich, hot and tall. Do I need to tell you what I immediately thought of him?

10. Bollocks I work with you.

Silly chemistry.

This just made me burst into full on tears.

Because for so long people have seen my depression and anxiety, or anyone’s for that matter, as a flaw in their character, and don’t realise it’s not their fault, it’s a chemical imbalance.

I am tired of being treated unfairly.

It’s like applying for a job and they base it on how good your eye sight is rather than looking at your CV.

It’s like judging a book by it’s cover.

It’s judging.

Judge judge judge.

Why is the world so full of judgement?

What’s new in the world of online dating.

I’m going to be honest; I’m still only on a dating website because I need to get entertainment from somewhere whilst I’ve run out of series to watch on tv. And boys on this site are bloody hilarious! To laugh at, not with…

Story number 1:
“Hi, I’m from Australia, I’m moving back there in December because my visa runs out, but let’s meet up for a coffee and cuddles here.”
Roughly translates to: “I want to get into your pants ASAP so I can say I’ve been with an English girl whilst I’ve been here.”
My response: “sorry, I’m gay, I just made a mistake filling in the profile and haven’t got round to changing it.”

Story number 2:
I’ve now received 3 messages from one guy in the space of two days, even though I haven’t replied to him once, and this message just so happens to be the same message 3 times.
The message: “Hey there. If I shrunk down to the size of 6 inches tall, what would you do to me?”
What I want to respond: “I’d bloody stomp on you so you don’t send me the same God damn message again.”
But I don’t respond. I block instead.

Story number 3:
First message from a guy: “wow you’re stunning, and I love that you’re intelligent, I hope to chat soon”.
I don’t respond. I hate when I guy complements me in a first message. He’s also younger than me.
Second message, two days later: “what so am I not good enough for you?!”.
I was feeling particular nice that day, so I replied “no, too young, sorry”.
That was a bad idea, he definitely threw a strop…
Block.

Story number 4:
Message from FitnessPro: “do you work out?”
My response: “yes but I’m not fit”.
At this point I view his profile. He’s got HUGE muscles that are more intimidating than attractive. And most of his profile pictures are of the women he’s helped get fit, including them in thongs. Sorry but I don’t want to see that.
His response: “are you up for a challenge?”
My response: “ha no”
His response: “did you see my profile? Do you have Facebook?”.
Basically, he’s using girls with low self esteem on a dating website to make money and build up a business.
My response: “I did yes, no I don’t, and I’m not on here to find a personal trainer”.
His response: “k”.
The cheek of some people! No morals, seriously.

Any online dating mishaps? I wanna know!!

My automatic responses to online dating profile pictures.

1. Oh dear, that middle parting comb-over combo…

2. Should you be that colour? Is orange a natural skin colour?

3. Dungaries, gold chains and a denim hat to match; are you serious?!

4. You cannot have sideburns if you have a baby face – it makes you look like you’re playing grown-up.

5. Wow. I’m glad half the world gets to see that 6 pack.

6. Wow. I can see your 6 pack fine, but you appear to not have a face.

7. Your face is seriously seriously hairy… Oh no wait, that’s your dog.

8. There appears to be 20 people in this profile picture. Thankfully, I have super amazing eyesight and can spot which one is you straight away.

9. Why are you wearing sunglasses in every one of your photos? Do you have eyes?

10. Is that your child?

11. Oh awesome, you hugged a tiger. *cough*animalcruelty*cough*.

12. Ah yeah I have tonnes of money to blow on travelling around the world to every single exotic place you’ve mentioned that probably requires you to frequently have to pee in a hole in the ground.

13. Your car is so shiny. Shame it’s only a Polo. I like Aston Martins.

14. Oh God, you’re in Magaluf. Well, I can have a guess what you got up to there…

15. You’re like 12.

16. I can see up your nose.

17. No, I don’t want to see what your arm looks like when you flex it, I want to see your face… or maybe I don’t?

18. Your meme about the negatives of dating has inspired me to want to look at your profile.

19. Eyebrows. No wait, unibrow.

20. Standing with 5 other girls in bikinis – Yup, I’m definitely going to message you! You seem safe!

A brand new start.

Today is a brand new day. I am picking myself up, and starting again.

I am moving into a new flat this weekend, which I am incredibly excited about. I also start at a new job in September, a job that I love and care about so much, and in a place where I actually feel loved and appreciated.

I am also planning to lose weight. I’m going to finally feel amazing about myself. I know I can do it, because I was there 4 years ago.

You may have noticed there are a lot of “I’s” in this post. Well, after years of putting everyone’s happiness before my own, being walked all over, not cared about, I think it’s my turn to be happy.

And I have amazing people beside me coming with me on my journey.

I am so excited! 🙂

You helped with my three wishes, Genie.

I am literally so so so upset about Robin Williams. He was my favourite actor, and he inspired me in so many ways. And now even though he’s gone, he’s inspired me even more.

He inspired me to be different. He inspired me to be crazy. He inspired me to be me.

But now, he’s made me realise that I need to do something, so that his passing wasn’t in vain.

Depression needs to be taken seriously. People need to realise it’s a serious part of a lot of people’s lives. Someone will come across it, whether themselves or someone close. It’s more common than people realise. So why should it be seen so negatively?

Robin Williams deserves to rest in peace, and I will not stop until I know his death wasn’t in vain. I refuse to let it be.

He’s my hero.

Do you understand?

It’s been a devastating day today as we lose another amazing, intelligent, funny, generous man to suicide. And yet, how many people have I heard say “well, fame isn’t everything”. And this has upset me. A lot.

Just because someone can have it all, doesn’t mean they can’t have a mental health issue too. Because depression isn’t always due to “being sad” about something. It’s usually a chemical imbalance in the brain that needs rewiring. And sometimes people with depression have a huge struggle to find a way to retrain their brain back to normal. And sometimes people lose that battle.

I have days where I feel so so low I turn to drink. I don’t get horrifically drunks, but it takes the edge of it all. But sometimes people find things they can control when they can’t control their mental process. Do you know what it’s like to have so little control over irrational thought? It’s the most frustrating thing in the world.

RIP Robin Williams. Hopefully this will help raise mental illness more and get rid of through stigma behind it.

You will be missed.

Movies: they help. A lot.

OK, so I’ve been doing some thinking… What do I do to make myself feel better when I’m low?

I cry. It’s the only way.

Therefore, I need something to aid that. Songs are pretty good; ‘All of me’ by John Legend makes me cry, and ‘I’m still here’ by John Rzeznik (coincidence they’re both called John) often help. However, I often turn to movies.

For some strange reason, I make emotional connections with movies very easily… and I have a list of ones that help me to remove attachments from other aspects of my life that are upsetting me and make attachments to the film, the characters etc. It works. I cry due to being sad; I cry due to being happy. And it works.

People underestimate the power of film. But I find some extremely inspirational.

1. Tangled.

I cry so much every time at the end of this. It’s an amazing film to engulf yourself in. Love it.

2. The Bucket List.
The quote at the beginning is from this movie. It’s so inspiring, heart warming, and makes me realise beauty doesn’t have a limit. Highly recommend it. Highly.

3. Batman Begins.

I just like this quote.

4. Hitch.

This film I love, far too much. Will Smith is amazing. The twist is amazing. The moral is amazing. I love it.

5. Rocky.

Standard inspirational film, no?

6. What a girl wants.

Chick Flick mania, but this quote is inspirational. Please don’t strive to be like everyone else. Ever.

7. The Lion King.

You can’t read the next chapter of your life if you keep rereading the previous. Or something like that… I cry at this too, rather embarrassingly.

8. Marley and me.

Love is unconditional. Well, it should be. I sob hysterically at this film, despite knowing the ending. Amazing film.

9. Disney.

Most Disney films inspire me, naturally.

What films help you?

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”.. Oh shut up.

What’s the point in having a brilliant personality, if you’re not given the chance to show it off? It’s all well and good saying you need to find someone attractive etc etc but I find the strongest bonds are those that grow, not instant ones. Instant ones don’t last. I’ve had one best friend (who’s a guy) for 9 years. I didn’t instantly have him as a best friend; it took time. Same principle.

I don’t think internet dating has a place. It should be for meeting new people, as friends, not as potential partners. I’d rather find 3 or 4 close friends than go through dozens of dates to try and find someone. Nobody gives me a chance because they base it on initial spark. There should be a spark of “I wanna get to know this person” spark, not “I’m going to end up in a relationship with this person” spark. Because NOBODY can predict that instantly.

Everybody wants everything now. Now now now. So they believe emotions and connections are now.

They’re not. They take time.

Beauty is within. End of.